PAO or Bust

I'm going to be 40 in two months. What the hell am I doing with my life??? I'm living in this stupid tiny apartment. Paycheck to paycheck. Marriage in a dubious state, at best. Wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I keep getting into these stupid situations. I've wasted my whole life on stupid men. I'm going to be stuck with this situation because it's more humiliating to leave than it is to stay, everyone would either judge me or pity me, and it would devastate Connor. I'm a fat slob, my ass looks like a giant pillow. Everything just sucks and I don't know what to do. THere's nothing I can do. I'm stuck and it's my own damn fault.

Been awhile since I've written here--I have been keeping a separate journal for Phil's ADHD issues and ways I can handle/cope with them. I am learning more every day and have been doing better with him--although not nearly where I want to be yet. I still lose it sometimes. It's so hard to live with. He is supposed to get on new meds tomorrow that are an extended release type, and I'm hoping that's going to help us. I don't see how we can make any progress without proper medication. We'll see what happens.

I went shopping today and I think that was too much for my leg. It was hurting and tired before we were even done. Constant standing without a break seems to not be something I can do yet. I came home and propped it up on pillows and now tonight it is feeling better. The Boston dr. is going to let me know in the next day or two about what kind of physical therapy to do. He said I can swim so I really need to get started doing that again. I'll have to plan it out so that I can go on certain days of the week regularly. If I can go at least twice a week that would be good, I think. Wish it wasn't so far!

Connor starts basketball at the B &G's club on Tuesday. He is excited. He hasn't played much so I don't know how he'll do--I'm more worried about how competitive everyone else will be. I just want him to have fun but some of these parents around here are so focused on winning and their child being the best that it ends up being a drag. We'll see how it goes.

We are watching "The Bourne Ultimatum." These Bourne movies are really good but I can't ever keep track of what's going on. I need to read the books (I think they are books, aren't they?). As soon as I watch them I can't remember what happened. In spite of that, they are entertaining. :)

Bye for now...

Knock on wood, things here have been better. I've really had to adjust the way I deal with my husband but it has seemed to help him and our communication. I've always known that you can't change others, they have to want to change themselves, but I can change how I behave and how I react. That in turn can effect change in the way others react to me. He's been really helpful and while the house isn't nearly as clean as I'd like it to be, he is trying and he is helping and that makes a huge difference. Now that I've written this I hope I haven't jinxed it!!!

My leg/hip is achy today. I think I've been using it too much. :( I emailed my Boston dr. to see if I can start using one crutch. He'll probably say no. But I just thought I'd ask. I'm so SICK OF THESE CRUTCHES!!!!! And I'm dreading the idea of getting the other leg done. Ugh. I know I need to do it and get it over with but I am NOT looking forward to it. Well, I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself--the right side might not heal the way it's supposed to and I can't do the left side until this first one heals up properly.

I have gained back all my weight, sitting around with nothing to do. I've been eating better the last week or so, but it doesn't seem to matter. Until I can get good exercise again I'm going to be a blob. I ride the exercise bike, but I can only do that with low resistance so it's not really a workout. It's very frustrating. 

I slept so much today. I was really tired. I think I have a sinus infection on top of everything else. I also had a scratchy throat this morning--if I'm catching a cold that will do me in. I'm already exhausted at the end of the day, if I get sick I don't know how I'll manage. I only have 1 personal day left and no sick days, and I need to save it in case Connor gets sick. Otherwise they'll dock my pay. I need to put the extra money we got last week into savings in case that happens.

Man, this started out positive and turned into a bitch fest!!!! I don't think it helps that it's dark out in the morning and I'm depressed anyway. It's making it all worse. Maybe I should go to my doctor and get meds for the sinuses, and increase my anti-depressant. That would require a lot of work on my part to get there. :) If it gets worse I'll call.

Hubby and son are watching their favorite cartoon together. So silly. :) I'm going to read my latest book, "Promise Not To Tell." It's good--I think it's going to be a little scary. I dig it!

I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. :) It's nice to have a place to write down my thoughts, though. I thought about making it all private, but the only people who might read it are people I tell everything to anyway, so what's the diff?

So Phil and I haven't fought in a week. This is a huge milestone. :) That sounds so ridiculous but really, things have been much more peaceful. I'm sure that won't last, I don't have a Pollyanna view of life, but it's nice for now. I'm sure a storm is brewing, because he's been talking about selling his land (even told my parents that himself), now tonight I hear him say that he's still hoping to build if we can. This is very frustrating because I don't see a way in hell we can do that. Plus, knowing his pattern, we'll get it 3/4 built and then it will go unfinished for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!! This is the way it goes with ADD. I know this now. :) So I have to figure out how to discuss this with him without causing a big huge nasty fight. He gets defensive so easily and doesn't communicate well. I've found that if I keep my voice tone low, and touch him (like on the shoulder) when I talk to him that things go much better. I also don't use the word "you" alot--he takes that as an insult, like I'm blaming him for something or accusing him of something. (Which is actually the case, but if I don't want a giant fight then I have to use different tactics).  I've been reading all week about adult ADD/ADHD, and it's really eye-opening. I joined a couple of message boards and listservs and hearing other peoples' stories of how they deal with it has been helpful. Helps to know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy!!!! So I'm learning and as I learn, our relationship is improving. I hope we can keep this up!!! I really want him to discuss other medication with his doctor. I really feel he needs something to stabilize his mood as well as a longer acting ADD medication. He is being stubborn about this but is starting to come around, I think.

You probably wonder why I'm putting up with all this s**t. :) Here are the wonderful things about my husband, and the reasons why I want my marriage to work (and why I'm willing to go to all this effort):

 It's been an interesting week. Phil and I had a HUGE fight on Friday night. I mean, huge. I said awful things. He said awful things. He threw a boot against the wall (not towards me, away from me towards the door). He slept in the basement. I got online to find out info about ADHD in adults and came to some really amazing conclusions about myself.

Does he need to do some serious work on himself? Yes. Do I need to make some changes in my behavior and attitude towards him? Absolutely. I haven't been fair to him in a number of ways. He has been very honest from day 1 about his ADHD. I knew this about him when I married him. It's not fair of me to punish him for his behaviors. I've found some support groups online for spouses of ADHD people, and it's been very enlightening. I've read several articles about ADHD spouses that could have been pages from my own diary. All of them say that the non ADHD partner needs to be more understanding and make changes in the way they deal with their spouse. 

Now Phil has to step up also. I do not feel he is being medicated correctly. I don't see any improvements in his behaviors, organization, focus, etc. with the medicine he is on. He also needs to learn that he needs support to live a more normal life. We've talked about getting a PDA for him to keep all his information in--appointments, chores, work tasks, lists, phone numbers, etc. He needs to let me help him organize things instead of being stubborn and saying he can do it himself--when he can't and won't. He can do it if he lets me help him figure out how to organize it, but he is incapable of doing it on his own.

One of the things I feel bad about is that I have totally trashed him to my friends. He has a disability and that's not fair of me. He needs to do more to accomodate his disability, but he shouldn't be ridiculed or put down because of it. I advocate for children with ADHD all the time and I need to be supportive of my husband and try to help him find his way through this. I am in no way saying that it's ok for him to be a complete slob and a pack rat. But I am saying that I need to understand the reasons for it and do what I can to help him over the hurdles in his life. I don't think that either of his ex-wives understood his condition. I haven't either, to this point--which is weird because as a counselor you'd think I would have been empathetic. I've been anything but. The reading I've been doing has taught me so far that adult ADHD is very different from ADHD in children. That, and the relationship I have with Phil is very different from the one I have with the students I work with. I depend on him. I just have to learn how to work with him so that we can work together more effectively, so that I can depend on him.

He is definitely going to have some hard work to do on himself. There will probably be more fights and disagreements. But I married him for better or worse. I do not want to go through another divorce. Many marriages with an ADHD spouse do. I don't want to be part of that. So I'm willing to do whatever's necessary to make this thing work. I still love him very much, that hasn't gone away. So I believe there's still hope. :)

If you are reading this, and you are a close friend of mine, please give my hubby another chance. I haven't done right by him by trashing his behavior to you. He is a wonderful, sweet, funny, smart man, who has ADHD and needs to learn coping skills to deal with it. I will probably still complain about him--but please know that he deserves another chance. If I change my mind and decide to kill him, I'll talk to you guys first. :)

Here are good links to some articles that gave me a "light bulb" moment:

http://www.adders.org/info75.htm

https://www.healthforums.com/library/1,1258,article~8009,00.html

http://www.additudemag.com/q&a/ask_the_adult_add_expert/1453.html

http://www.additudemag.com/topic/adult-add-adhd/friends-relationships.html

It's really good to be home. Connor and I are having a good time. It's frustrating not to be able to do all the things I need to do--this house gets messy so quickly and I can't rectify that very fast. I do a little bit then I have to take a rest. If Phil and Connor would be a little more helpful about doing things like throwing away trash, that alone would be a huge help. Phil is helping out a lot with other things but the little things still seem to be under his radar. He had to go back to work today so Connor and I are here by ourselves. Connor can help me with most things I need and has been good about it. 

Christmas was nice, I think Connor had a good time. He got lots of stuff. He and Phil got me the Stephen Colbert book and it's so funny. I love it! 

I need to go try and unload the dishwasher and load it back up again. Dirty dishes make me nuts.

I cannot wait to see Connor. Tomorrow is going to be the longest day. I won't get to see him til Sunday  morning because we get in so late on Saturday. I have never missed someone so much in my life!!!! He probably looks totally different, I'll bet he's grown, I know he lost two teeth...he sounds so much happier on the phone though. He's having a good time with Eric.

We were talking tonight about having him come out with me next summer when I have surgery again (if I have surgery again). I told Phil that I want him to come with me too this time, not just for a couple of days, but for the time I'm in the hospital and then to help me get home. This has been so hard. I hope our flights go ok tomorrow night. I think there is a storm moving through the midwest but I don't know where it's going or when, or if it will affect our travel...I just want to get home and in my own bed and hug my boy.

I don't know how I'll sleep tonight...I'm so anxious to see him. Tomorrow is going to be hell!!!!! I swear I'm never going to be away from him this long ever again. I can barely stand it when he goes to his dad's for a week (which he's doing the week after Christmas). I'll need to schedule some time with some of my friends to make the time go faster.

After all my bitching, I'm actually excited for Phil to get here. I am feeling that we are going to have a chance to make some positive changes in our relationship. I think he appreciates how hard it is to be a parent and run a household. We'll see when he gets here...but I am very much looking forward to seeing him. :)

Connor is happy, spending time with his best buddy. I can't wait to see him. He could hardly talk to me last night, he was so busy and wanting to play with his friend. That made me feel better, knowing he's happy. 

I will be so glad to get home. I'm very appreciative of my dad and stepmom for helping me out as they have but I'm sure they'll be relieved when I go home, too. :) They've been very helpful and accomodating. I just want to be back in my own bed with my family and my pets. :)

The hip is doing remarkably fine. I'm amazed. I haven't needed any pain meds for a long time. The numbness is still there and that drives me crazy, but if that's all I have to contend with I'll deal with it.

I'm going to go snooze. Then I need to get ready for Phil to arrive. That means doing my hair and makeup for the first time in a few days. :)

A stupid storm stranded me in the hospital an extra day. I am doing very well, except for some weird allergic reactions. I hate my body sometimes. I had been getting these really weird numb feelings all over--my face, my neck, my arms, everywhere. At first they thought it was leftover epidural, but then they thought it was a reaction to the Oxycontin/Oxycodone meds, but even after I'd been off those I was still having that feeling. My throat even started feeling weird--I could breathe but it felt really thick. They put me on Benadryl which helped, but the numbness didn't go away. Then I noticed that there were some red dots outside the bandage covering my incision. So I peeled it up to look at it, and OH MY GOD!!!! Totally broken out in hives all around the incision. I am allergic to adhesive tape but this is the worst I've ever had a reaction. I'm wondering if I'm allergic to the stitches too. So the nurse and I took off the bandage, all the steri-strips, everything, and now I just wear these mesh underwear with a pad holding it in place over the incision to cover it until Saturday. The doctor doesn't want it exposed til then. I can shower, he said, just don't soak it or anything. The hives look absolutely disgusting, I mean it's nasty. I've never had it that bad. So I'm still having the numb feelings, but Benadryl helps, and hopefully in a week or two it will all be out of my system. I'm such a weirdo. :)

I am getting around really good on my crutches. I have to use this continuous passive motion machine on my leg 8 hours a day. I don't really like it but I want to get healed up properly so I will do what I'm supposed to do. :) Overall, aside from the allergic reaction, I'm doing really well. 5 more weeks of crutches!

Connor is having a really hard time. I will not be winning any mother of the year awards this year, for leaving him like this. Everyone says they think he's doing well, but when I talk to him he is not happy. Only 5 more days and I'll see him again. I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea it would be this hard!!! If I had to do it over again I would stick it out til summer and do it then, when he could be at his dad's or something. But I can't change things so we'll just try to repair things from here.

I think my friends Chylene and Zana think I married a child abuser. I hope they don't believe that!!!! I'm paranoid and worried now.

Well, finally, the big day is here. Tomorrow is my surgery. Strangely enough, I'm not nervous at all. The traveling and planning and getting around Boston last week seemed much more nerve-wracking. I wonder if I'll get to have the less extensive procedure. I think it's called an FAI (Femoral Acetabular Impingement), or maybe that's what I have, the femur is impinging on the acetabulum (hip socket), and the procedure is a femoral osteotomy. I don't know. I'm throwing around big important words. :) The big-time surgery is a PAO (Periacetabular Osteotomy). I hope I have the lesser one but we'll see. One silver lining: supposedly, many people lose their appetite after surgery and lose tons of weight. YES!!!! :)

Phil is finally getting it, I think. I'm realizing that he is just so insecure. Tonight he was very worried and scared about the surgery. I don't understand why I have to go through hell with him before he finally pulls his head out of his ass. Perhaps I need to figure out different means of dealing with him. I think a marriage counselor is a good idea. I'll bet they could help me figure it out.

They are supposed to get a true Nor'easter here this weekend--possibly a foot or more of snow. Ugh. I will probably still be in the hospital, unless I recover exceptionally well. I hope it doesn't snow when Phil travels here next Wednesday, or next Saturday, when we come back to Indiana. I guess we'll just have to see what happens. 

I'm going to go watch "House." I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'm not scared...just the anticipation, I think. We're getting up at 4:30, but I guess it doesn't matter if I don't get a lot of sleep--I'll be sleeping a lot from here on out!

More when I have access to a computer again...

Finally had a little fun this weekend! Sarah came on Saturday around noon. She is awesome. :) We went to the biggest Yankee Candle store I've ever seen. This place was bigger than a Super Wal-Mart. Seriously. It had so much stuff in it, not just candles (which were everywhere) but a home store with stuff for the kitchen, bath, etc., a Vera Bradley section, a toy store with a Santa (I think he's there all year), a whole Christmas village section where it snows every 4 minutes (kids would love it!)...just a massive place. I bought a couple little things for Connor's stocking, and I bought Dad and Bev a little candle and some herbs to mix with sour cream for dips. They do that a lot. Then we went to dinner with my parents at Picadilly's Pub, which was yummy. Then we just hung out and talked. I wish that Chylene and Lyn could meet her and spend more time with her--Zana and I had a great time the last time she was here. :)

Today I've been a lazy slob. We had homemade waffles and sausage for breakfast. I went back to bed at 1 for a nap. :) It feels good. I've been talking to Connor two or three times a day. He called me yesterday at about 5, crying, missing me. I think that he had too much time on his hands and started thinking too much. Broke my heart. He said it's better when he's in school and can be with friends all day. Two more weeks--this is really hard being away from him. I hope Phil is doing a good job. I think he is, from what it sounds like. He was going to be moving furniture today. Hope he doesn't hurt himself! I miss him too, it's just a different kind of missing. I don't worry about Phil being ok on top of it all. But I miss them both very much. AND ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!

I'm going to go watch the Patriots game. Ugh, hate the Pats. We get the Colts game tonight, though. Bev is a raging Pats fan so I have to be a Steelers fan to piss her off. Not too much though--she'll be doling out my medication when I'm in pain next week. LOL!

I am finally back at my dad's house. I bought the family I stayed with a thank-you card, and I put a $40 gift certificate in it for Trader Joe's. I wish we had one of those in Lafayette!!! I used to love it in Tucson, it's a great store. Anyway, I just left it on their table when I left this afternoon. They were so nice, I can't explain how nice they are. Just really good people, who give you a really good feeling. I wish I could get to know them better. What a wonderful gift, to have been able to stay with such terrific people.

So I had a loooooooooooooooooong pre-admission appointment today that took 2 1/2 hours. They took more blood, urine, checked me over really good, etc. The doctor wants to do my right hip instead of my left, which has thrown the hospital into a tizzy, because his original order is for the left, and that's the info they have. So they have to sort that all out with him. I said well, someone had better figure it out, I didn't come all this way to not have surgery. I'm sure they will figure it all out somehow. Other than that everything has gone really smoothly. 

I'm so proud of myself for navigating Boston alone. Of course, taking cabs helped. But today I walked about a mile up the road from the hospital to the Trader Joe's (I will pay for that tomorrow, I'm sure; I'm not supposed to take walks anymore. I'll probably hurt tomorrow). It felt so good to walk and get out. It wasn't too cold--it was chilly but not bad at all. I think most of my anxiety has been having to do this all alone in Boston. The last few days were more anxiety-provoking than the actual surgery. But staying with such nice people, and taking cabs really helped. And everything just seemed to fall into place. Even all the people I dealt with at the hospitals, every single one of them, was kind, courteous, and friendly. I found this amazing. You usually have at least one a**hole to deal with, wherever you go. But everyone has been wonderful. That helped a lot. I was very scared to be in the "big city" all by myself. I get lost so easily it's not even funny. I still can't find the auditorium at school, sometimes, if I take a wrong turn. LOL! I don't know how to get around all of Lafayette yet. So being in unknown places is very frightening because I have no sense of direction. But I did it and I'm so proud of myself! (Silly, I know).

Now I'm going to veg out for a few days. Sarah gets here tomorrow around noon. I don't know what we're going to do yet. She is so much fun, we could just sit around and do nothing and still have fun. I wish I could see her more often. Next time she comes to visit me I'll have to get her together with my whole gang of buddies. :) Zana met her and knows how great she is. She would love our little gang.

I"m going to go lay on the couch and watch TV with my dad. They want to go out to eat later--I would rather stay here but they don't want to cook. Maybe I'll stay anyway and just have a bowl of cereal or something. I really don't feel like going anywhere. We'll see. I'll write more later!

I saw the doctor today, Dr. Millis. He's so awesome. I've never known a doctor to be so kind, caring, compassionate, funny...he thinks he might be able to do a less extensive procedure which would be awesome. He said once he opens me up and looks at the joint he'll know more,  but if he doesn't have to do the PAO he won't. He might just be able to trim the head of the femur so that it fits the socket better. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I still miss Connor. I think he's doing ok, but I can hear in his voice that he's stressed and doesn't like this whole situation. One day at a time, I guess. It's funny, Phil told me how "exhausted" he is, with all he has to do. I said, "Welcome to my world, darling." Perhaps this will encourage a more helpful nature when I get home. (I doubt it, but one can always wish and hope). :)

The family I'm with is SO NICE. They are Jewish and I got to help them light Hannukah candles tonight. They are just really good people. They bought me the best Pad Thai food tonight, it was delish. I'm not supposed to let them do that--the Hospitality Homes people are very clear that I am to provide my own meals. But they insisted, as their guest, that I let them buy me dinner. Twisted my arm and everything. :) After my appointment tomorrow I'm going to look for a Hannukah present for them. I want to get them something before I go, I couldn't have found better people to stay with. It's helped a lot to be in such a kind and welcoming place.

I'm going to go relax. I have my own room with a TV and everything. :) I'll write more later!

Ok, so the stupid idiots at airport security took my body butter and my toothpaste. I suppose if I had read all the fine print on www.faa.gov I would have known to take EVERYTHING out of my bag even closely related to a liquid. But I didn't. I didn't think body butter and toothpaste were liquids. Apparently they thought I might combine the two substances and set them on fire, or something, I don't know. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Other than that, and a 3 1/2 hour wait in O'Hare, my flights went well. I met a nice woman on the flight here to Providence, we chatted most of the way. 

My stepmom made chicken with cranberry stuffing, and carrots. Yum. I have to go eat!!! More later.

Ok, my son has already cried once about my leaving. I know that he will miss me; I also know that he knows how to work me. It's breaking my heart. My brain knows that he will be well taken care of. My heart is going to miss him so much it hurts. He's my whole life! I've never been away from him this long before. He's been to his dad's for a week, but never for this long. I wish I had a webcam to talk to him. I'm going to call him every day. Maybe more than once. And I'm going to write him too, I made self-addressed stamped envelopes. I made a note to put in his agenda tomorrow so he'll see it when he gets to school. I wrote his teacher to let her know he's having a little trouble adjusting. I hope Phil will be sympathetic.I know he will take care of him and they will have a good time, but men don't pay as much attention to the emotional side of things. 

I have to get up super early. Well, super early for me. :) Phil is freaking out, thinking I'm going to miss my flight. As a result I'm probably going to spend 2 hours sitting around the airport. Well I guess that's better than missing the plane. I don't think I'd miss it but he wants to leave extra early to be sure. It's nice he cares about SOMETHING.

 Maybe I am being too hard on him. Guys can't help how they are, sometimes. I know he loves me. I know he loves Connor. I need to just let it be.

I need to go get Connor to bed. This should be fun. I'm sure he'll cry and make me feel horrible again for leaving him. Tomorrow morning will be the same. Crying gives me a headache. I hate that. Thank goodness for drugs. :) I don't know how much I'll be able to write in the next few days. If I can get on a computer, I will.

I've spent the weekend cleaning like a madwoman. I knew I was a slob, but I had no idea the extent of my piggishness. Ugh. I cleaned out the fridge, washed cupboard doors, cleaned appliances, scrubbed floors, shampooed carpets...no need to exercise, I was sweating so much my glasses were slipping off my face! I'll feel better knowing that I'm leaving a clean house behind when I go for my surgery. I only hope that my husband and son don't make a total mess of it again while I'm gone. Their idea of clean and mine are quite different. :)

Tomorrow I should be able to focus on packing. And then I can hopefully relax a bit before I go. I have a good stack of books to read:

The Red Tent
Philip Pullman's trilogy of "The Dark Materials" ("The Golden Compass" and the other two books that go with it)
A Thousand Splendid Suns

I know there's a couple more, but I can't remember them right now. I'm a bit worried that I haven't gotten a place to stay yet--Hospitality Homes in Boston is supposed to be setting me up with living arrangements, but so far nothing. I leave Tuesday, and I'll need a place Wednesday and Thursday evening. I left them a message today and hope to hear from them tomorrow. I hope they can find me a place--if not, it's a hotel for me, and Phil will FLIP OUT.

Dr. Millis called me yesterday, just to explain more about the surgery and what to expect afterwards. He said he is ordering me a wheelchair, which will be wonderful. Maybe that will help me at school. It'll be nice to use in the grocery store too. I don't think I want to go by myself--I can ride in the wheelchair and Phil can push the cart. :) I don't want to ride one of those motorized carts--a wheelchair is bad enough. The cart, for whatever reason, is humiliating. I feel 1000 years old in it.

Dr. M also talked to Phil about expectations, which made him a little defensive. His attitude up until a week or so ago has been very blase' about things. It really upset me. We had a good talk about it and he's doing better, and knows he needs to step up. Dr. M wanted to talk to him just to make sure I'll be taken care of, which I think upset him a bit--but I don't care. He's the one who acted like a jack**s. :)

The whole house is now clean, except the living room and toy room. Phil and Connor are doing those rooms. I took a long hot bath and relaxed. It felt WONDERFUL. One of my best friends gave me a basket of yummy bath stuff and lotion and stuff. It was awesome. After the surgery I don't know how many baths I'll be able to take so I need to enjoy it now. :)

More later...

This is my first post. I've never "blogged" before. I thought it might be nice to have an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. I'm very stressed right now, because I'm getting ready to have surgery. It's not your every day, run-of-the-mill type surgery. I have hip dysplasia, and I have to have a specialized surgery called Periacetabular Osteotomy (PAO for short). The short explanation is, I have shallow hip sockets, which are causing me pain, and they are going to "reconstruct" the hip. I have to have both hips done, eventually, but I'm starting with the left hip. My surgery is scheduled for Dec. 12th in Boston. 

My doctor is wonderful and I feel I'm in good hands. My main worries right now are: 1) my son's well-being while I am away, 2) things at work falling apart while I am away, and 3) my husband's attitude about this whole thing.

I think I have my son taken care of. Many of my friends and co-workers have been very generous, offering their support. My husband (his stepfather) will be caring for him mainly, but he'll need a place to be after school until he gets home from work. I think I have that all worked out. My son has been having a lot of anxiety about the surgery, but I think is doing better now. I enlisted the help of a therapist and she's done some wonderful work with him. He seems to be much more accepting of it now, and not so worried about me. I'm sure this could change but right now his state of mind is much better. Wish I could say the same for mine!

I've tried to re-assign the big responsibilities I have at work, but there are some things that will just not be taken care of. I'm an elementary school counselor, and so a lot of what I do just won't be done while I'm away. I hope there aren't any major issues that come up for any of my students. I feel like I have a good relationship with them (all 470+ of them!) and I'd hate for something to happen, and me not be there to help them through it. I guess there's nothing I can do about that.

My husband is coming around. He seemed to be very apathetic and more concerned about how much this is all costing us, than concerned about my actual well-being. After a few fights, a few tears, and a lot of talk and getting down to the core issues, I think we're in a good place. He is going to help me fly home after the surgery, and take care of me during the two weeks we'll be out of school. I felt like he didn't think this surgery was that big of a deal and that I was being a drama queen. I'll be non-weight bearing on my left leg for 6 weeks to 2 or 3 months; the surgery lasts several hours, and I'll be in the hospital for a week or so. I don't think that's minor. But he is being much more supportive now--sometimes men just need to be hit over the head. :)

That's all for now. I'm going to try to write more as I go along.